Dear Niall: I tried

I don't know if you will ever read this. Your brother is the bookworm. Only time will tell if you become one too. Our breastfeeding story is one of a battle. Both mentally and physically. Everyone says breastfeeding is the best way to avoid depression, I'm not depressed, but the guilt of not being able to breastfeed is sure as hell a lot worse than the guilt I had with Rio from not trying to. Your currently seven weeks old. They say to at least try to get to the six week breastfeeding mark. And we did, kind of, kind of not..barely. I just try to get you on for a comfort on a night sometimes now. Id like to say its a comfort for both of us but I think its just for me. You want a bottle straight after and I sit with one prepared. If you don't want to feed from me I use this time, just the two of us, to cherish you..cherish you more than ever. Yes, breastfeeding gives you a bond. But I still feel so bonded to you without it. And I guess that's why I've decided to let this defeat me. Its been a struggle. One I was determined not to lose. But I have.  I left the hospital with them telling me we were both breastfeeding naturals, but it was when my milk came in that the problems began. Everyone says I have done so well to even keep trying upto this point and they would of gave up within the first few days, never mind the first few weeks. But I still feel like I have failed.

Dearest Niall, I tried. God did I try.

With Rio parenting was so fresh, so scary, I didn't want to add breastfeeding to that. I wasn't confident enough to get my breasts out, or even try. But being a parent brought a whole new confidence to my life. It changed me. It made me. I learnt you will do anything for your children. When I saw people breastfeeding in public I wasn't averting my eyes in shock anymore. I was in awe. Id look away out of politeness of course but I knew that when you was born that's what I wanted to do. Id already grew you, grew your wonderful brother. So to be able to continue to solely make you grow seemed so natural. But this is the real world. Things don't always go to plan. Your a hungry hungry boy Niall. I couldn't keep up. Couldn't fill you. And for a while that very thought drew fresh tears to my eyes. But somethings are not meant to be. Your a hungry hungry boy Niall. And if you need to wake me every 2 hours for 5oz to get your fill. I will provide that for you, regardless!

I see the look in peoples face when I don't let them feed you, everyone but your Daddy that is. But I don't care. That's another mistake I made with your brother. A mistake that made me stronger this time. I might not be breastfeeding you anymore. But I will provide your milk.

Dearest Niall, I tried, I failed, but I have not and will not fail you. Ever!