Becoming a new parent can seem daunting and as much as we try to prepare ourselves beforehand, there is stuff that the textbooks leave out. Stuff that other parents leave out. So, like many before me, I thought I would create a post un-sugar coating motherhood so that you know what you've really got yourself into.
1. Lightening pains.
These bad boys are called lightening for a reason because that's exactly what those 'up the foo foo daggers', really feel like!
2. Post partum poo
If you find the thought of pushing a baby out scary. Wait until you get the urge to push your first post partum poo out of a freshly stitched up area! .. I will add its the fear of it that's that worst, eat your fibre and hold a clean sanitary towel against the area and you will be fine!
3. Sitting with your boobs out
If you choose to breastfeed sitting with your boobs out will become 'the norm' for the first few weeks. You'll become a semi-nudist because, if you haven't got a baby attached to them, you'll be getting some fresh air to a layer on Lansinoh and having some supply boosting skin to skin.
4. Showering will become a luxury
I know how absurd that sounds. At first you will manage it, your other half will let you have long soaks to soothe your stiches out of sympathy, but give it a week and your exhaustion will kick in and as soon as your little one is asleep you will be crawling into bed, not the shower!
5. And when you do get the time to shower
don't expect to do it alone. You'll find yourself dragging the bouncer in the bathroom with you out of desperation. But pretty soon that baby will turn into a toddler throwing toys into your bath so that they can play over the side. You know how they tell you 'you'll never pee alone again', well the same goes for bathing! Toilet roll getting unrolled may be cute on the Andrex advert, but in real life it's a pain in the ass!
6. The "you look amazing, have you really just had a baby" compliments
Unless your one of those lucky few that do actually bounce straight back, id say this is an empty compliment or your doing well to not look like your death! ... Put it this way, on the way out of the hospital the receptionist asked if I was checking in or leaving.. I have never been so mortified! I never really thought much about my stomach after bearing the child. I'm not naïve, I knew it wouldn't be the same, but I didn't expect to touch it by accident and suddenly have an omg moment! You know on Santa Claus the movie where Patch writes Santa's belly "shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly"? That's exactly what it does. I actually spent the first night in hospital giggling away with Craig then telling him to stop making me laugh because it wobbled everywhere!
7. You'll have two choices
Eat your food cold after everyone else, or share it with your child. No meal is ever truly 'just yours' again. Eating out alone or during a nap is heaven and so underrated!
8. Forget music charts
The only songs that will be stuck in your head any time soon are nursery rhymes or theme tunes. You'll find yourself singing and hoovering along to "special delivery service" and if your lucky, might even catch your other half in on the action too. I can remember turning my head at neck snapping speeds in the car when Craig was humming along to something or other! ..And thinking "Oh god, we really are parents!"
9. You'll wash the same load of clothes three times
because you keep forgetting to peg it out before bed. This is where your going overboard on the clothe buying actually comes in handy.. because as quickly as you've washed one load, they've created another.
10. Silence is no longer bliss
Silence, unless at bedtime, is suspicious. Shout "What are you doing?" and get in there as fast as you can!
11. Your own clothes however, will never be clean again!
You'll glance down at your jeans in public and realise that they are covered in baby food..oh god, you hope its food! You'll then put them on again the next day after giving them a quick once over with a baby wipe.
12. Baby wipes don't just wipe the baby
they clean everything, including the bathroom in a hurry!
13. The only thing you will ever see on your TV again is cbeebies
or some equally soul destroying programme! You'll resort to downloading the ITV player app on your phone just to catch up with Emmerdale!
14. After birth pains
Oh yes, as if giving birth wasn't enough you then have to deal with pain whilst your womb is going back. You'll question whether there is actually another baby in there because jeez louise it feels like is!
15. Post partum bleeding
..think 9 months worth of periods and you'll still not be close. You know those ugly gigantic maternity pads? Well you will need to wear at least two of those at once! Don't be alarmed at leaving you own crime scene on the walk from the delivery bed to the shower!
16. You'll cry
They inform you that you might get the baby blues and cry a few days after having a baby. But they don't tell you that said crying will be over the most ridiculous things, or nothing at all! With Rio I sat in the bath and sobbed for no reason. With Niall I broke down in hysterics because Craig wanted to buy the breast pump from a different store to me!
17. Your nipples might bleed
I'm not talking cracked, slight blood due to soreness. I'm talking sat pumping away happy as larry only to look down and realise you've been pumping blood horror movie type shit!
18. You will wake up
One of the most common things I hear is women worrying that they wont wake up when their baby needs them. Three years later I can still hear Rio sneeze three doors down the hall! You WILL wake up. Your other half might not, and even if he does will pretend he is asleep no matter how much you nudge kick him!
19. Thongs and Tampax
will be saved for special occasions and swimming. Comfort is key down there now!
20. People will have an unwanted opinion about your name choice
..in fact about everything. But if you have an opinion back then your wrong, its your baby, what do you know anyway?? And no matter how much you dress them in head to toe pink/blue someone will think that they are the opposite gender!
I'm sure that I don't have to note that this post is written in jest and is just light hearted fun but I will anyway. Pregnancy, birth, and motherhood is the most magical thing in the world and you should enter it with a clear untainted mind. You will learn your way as you go along, some of these might occur, some of them might not. But when you look at your child you really wont care either way.
