Friday, 22 August 2014

Dear Niall: I tried

I don't know if you will ever read this. Your brother is the bookworm. Only time will tell if you become one too. Our breastfeeding story is one of a battle. Both mentally and physically. Everyone says breastfeeding is the best way to avoid depression, I'm not depressed, but the guilt of not being able to breastfeed is sure as hell a lot worse than the guilt I had with Rio from not trying to. Your currently seven weeks old. They say to at least try to get to the six week breastfeeding mark. And we did, kind of, kind of not..barely. I just try to get you on for a comfort on a night sometimes now. Id like to say its a comfort for both of us but I think its just for me. You want a bottle straight after and I sit with one prepared. If you don't want to feed from me I use this time, just the two of us, to cherish you..cherish you more than ever. Yes, breastfeeding gives you a bond. But I still feel so bonded to you without it. And I guess that's why I've decided to let this defeat me. Its been a struggle. One I was determined not to lose. But I have.  I left the hospital with them telling me we were both breastfeeding naturals, but it was when my milk came in that the problems began. Everyone says I have done so well to even keep trying upto this point and they would of gave up within the first few days, never mind the first few weeks. But I still feel like I have failed.

Dearest Niall, I tried. God did I try.

With Rio parenting was so fresh, so scary, I didn't want to add breastfeeding to that. I wasn't confident enough to get my breasts out, or even try. But being a parent brought a whole new confidence to my life. It changed me. It made me. I learnt you will do anything for your children. When I saw people breastfeeding in public I wasn't averting my eyes in shock anymore. I was in awe. Id look away out of politeness of course but I knew that when you was born that's what I wanted to do. Id already grew you, grew your wonderful brother. So to be able to continue to solely make you grow seemed so natural. But this is the real world. Things don't always go to plan. Your a hungry hungry boy Niall. I couldn't keep up. Couldn't fill you. And for a while that very thought drew fresh tears to my eyes. But somethings are not meant to be. Your a hungry hungry boy Niall. And if you need to wake me every 2 hours for 5oz to get your fill. I will provide that for you, regardless!

I see the look in peoples face when I don't let them feed you, everyone but your Daddy that is. But I don't care. That's another mistake I made with your brother. A mistake that made me stronger this time. I might not be breastfeeding you anymore. But I will provide your milk.

Dearest Niall, I tried, I failed, but I have not and will not fail you. Ever!

Monday, 18 August 2014

Getting outdoors with the boys!

The one thing I love about being a mum to boys is that they love being outdoorsy, exploring and letting off steam. The Yorkshire weather has gone from being too hot to go out with a newborn to torrential rain in a week. So when I saw it wasn't going to be bad on Sunday, I just had to get them outside. Not just them, me too. It takes a lot of effort to get out the house on my own during the week. By the time the weekend comes I'm like a caged animal just needing to get out and do something!

The tree climbing has begun!

The weather changed for a little while and we took cover in the woods from the wind and rain. I'm so glad it did because without that change, we wouldn't of found this little gem!

I am in love with wild flowers and luckily for me my local council seems to be springing them up everywhere. Unluckily for me, their usually by the side of a main road so taking photos is a no go. But the park we went to had them at the entrance. Sadly the rain meant we could sit and set the tripod up for a family photo like I wanted but hey-ho. I might have to get Craig to buy me some to fill the bottom raised part of our garden with next year.

Our family of four: Weeks 5/6

Niall is 6 weeks old! We've had to move him into size 3 nappies so he is more comfortable but these should fit him for quite a while now. Rio is only in size 4 pull ups so it seems really strange moving him up so soon.

Rio still hasn't ventured onto the toilet but assures me he will soon, just not today!

Niall is more alert now and loves to show off his cheeky smile. He smiled at Craig this week was adorable to watch the happiness come over his face. (Craigs)

He's done a few random 3/4 hour gaps between the night feeds but mainly still wakes every 2 hours. And is taking 4/5 oz. He is also now in his cot as he was getting to long for the moses basket and, like Rio, hated being able to touch the sides. He's now in Next upto 1 month clothes and sleepsuits.

Rio has started saying "BAHH" or "MEHH", instead of haha. It makes us chuckle every time and we do it back to him. We're a weird family.

Friday, 8 August 2014

Second baby worry

When Rio was born I had that 'rush of love' that everyone tells you about. Only it was much stronger than I ever even imagined it to be. It was like I was made to be a parent and I loved him immediately with everything I had/was. So its hardly surprising that although Niall was planned and very much wanted, I still had those 'second baby worries'. How could I possibly love another child as much as I did the first? What if I didn't? When I was pregnant with Rio I got to cherish every kick and milestone, but this time around I hadn't had as much time too. What if I couldn't cope with two? Heck what if Rio didn't even like being a big brother?

Craig reassured me whenever I gave it too much thought. When I asked "how will we love someone else as much?", he'd reply "we just will". And he was right!!

He might of been covered I thick white vernex, a bit funny looking and screaming blue murder but I instantly fell in love with him. Craig told me when we discussed it later that he did too. And speaking of Craig..I fell in love with him all over again when he took hold of Niall's hand and the screaming instantly stopped.

Loving another baby? Check!

As I was blessed with another amazing, straight forward labour, I was allowed home 5 hours after he was born. I couldn't wait to introduce him to his big brother. Neither me or Craig cried at the birth, again!! But on the way home, imagining them meeting for the first time made me tear up. As soon as we pulled onto the drive I could see Rio's excited little face peering through the window. We didn't even make it through the door before he was upon us. He'd been awaiting and anticipating this moment for as long as us, so I think to actually see Niall overwhelmed him at first. He hid behind my Dads legs and I have to admit I had an 'oh-ohh' moment. Was my second fear coming true?

Suddenly he said "he's got a tiny nose, and got lots of hair on mummy", and knelt beside him. They've been inseparable ever since!

Liking being a brother? Check!

Craig's two weeks paternity soon came and went. I managed to get them both downstairs, fed, changed and happy..but was clueless how I was ever going to go to the toilet. Could I trust my little helper not to try and pick his baby brother up if he cried while I was gone? I couldn't hold it any longer. I was going to have to. I devised a GENIUS system. I told Rio to sit in the hallway and I shouted every two seconds "are you still there?", and used my 'hearing skills' to work out where it sounded like it was coming from. I told you..pure genius!

After that it was pretty plain sailing. I actually find that I get more done now weirdly enough. I guess its because you really do make the most of every spare minute that you have.

Coping? Check!

I'd be lying if I said it was a walk in the park. At times its exhausting and I don't think I'm giving one of them enough attention. But mainly, its the most rewarding thing in the world. My family of three, now well and truly a happy little family of four!

How will I cope having to leave him to go back to work in April? Who knows, only time will tell.

Thursday, 7 August 2014

What they wore on Wednesday!

Top: Mothercare
Pants: Next
Socks: Mothercare

Top: Next
Shorts: Cutup jeans from Next..waste not want not!
Trainers: Nike

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Our family of four: week 4

Niall is now a month old! I took him to our village children's centre to be weighed yesterday and he looked so long and big compared to the other babies already :( not surprising when it turned out that he is now 10lb9oz!

That means Rio is 28 months and in a few months time he will be 2 1/2. I'm aware that it seems like I'm updating more about Niall now that he is here, and I feel bad, but in reality it is because Rio is actually like a child not a toddler in terms of development now. He has full speech etc. So the only thing he really need to do is be potty trained but he isn't quite ready and I'm not going to push it because he knows when he wants a wee/poo and will tell us and will help to change his own pull up after. But at the moment he doesn't want to try on his underpants or sit on the toilet. So at the moment we are leaving it in his hands but giving encouragement and praise.

I've cut down on the breast feeding (see last post) and now only feed him once or twice a day on the boob (delaying the inevitable). He's on 5oz formula every 2 hours. And really is a happy content little baby. Everyone said that we wouldn't get two the same but we really have been blessed.

His tiny baby outfits are now on the small side so he is now wearing his newborn ones. However his newborn sleepsuits are getting abit snug length wise but upto 1 month doesn't quite fit yet.

Niall's head control has always been good but hit a whole new level this week!
At 4 weeks post partum I'm obviously not 100% happy with my body image. I still have extra weight on my hips and thighs that I will need to work on when the time comes to work out. And at the moment I am avoiding the scales as when I stepped on them at 2 weeks post partum the number horrified me! My belly is at that wrinkly loose mum tum stage but I'm back in my pre pregnancy high waisted skinny jeans so that is easily hidden. I have now stopped bleeding and need to go arrange my contraception as I don't plan on having another baby anytime soon..or probably ever!